‘There’s More To It’ feat. Kelsey Cary (Derived from a Crot Essay)

Hi, hello!

My name is Kelsey. I’m a 22 year old, and a Bachelor’s in Social Work student at Eastern Michigan University. ‘There’s More To It’ is what derived from a crot essay assignment that was assigned in one of my classes this semester. This piece contains my story as a plus sized woman, who has always been plus sized her entire life. It’s about the pain I faced, the trauma I endured, but moreover, how my journey to embracing myself—all of myself—began. I am still on this magical journey, but I can confidently say, I am plus sized, and I am MAGIC.

If you’d like to follow me on any of my social media’s, please feel free to do so! Thanks for reading!

Twitter: @hippiepunkkid

Instagram: @hippiepunkkid

Tumblr: hippiepunkkid.tumblr.com

why couldn’t i literally be born in any other body but my own.
if the tale is true that lions don’t lose sleep over the opinion of sheep, i must be a house cat.
God, I want to be skinny.
“Wouldn’t you be more comfortable wearing something over your arms?”

Are you saying that you’d be more comfortable if I covered my arms?

“I just don’t want you to get made fun of, is all. I’m just trying to help you.”
List of things people think when looking at a fat person:

well, maybe if you just ate better…
they must just sit around all day and eat EVERYTHING.
she should not be wearing leggings.
maybe she’s just..pregnant?
they’re most likely single, right?
have you tried to exercise?
aren’t you worried about your health?

List of things people don’t think when looking at a fat person:

maybe it’s a medical condition
maybe i should mind my business

It’d be so nice to go to bed counting sheep rather than counting all the calories I consumed

All the pounds I need to shed

It’d be so nice to go bed not hating myself.
List of things skinny people literally never have to worry about but fat people do:

if they will fit into the desks at school
if the plastic chair under them will break
feeling the pressure of having to make themselves smaller for the comfort of those around them
if they could ever wear a pair of shorts or hot weather comfortable clothing
being photographed at the gym/any public place to make fun of
trying on clothes in a fitting room
being ridiculed for eating
eating in public
being nervous about weight limits in amusement parks
being nervous about weight limits in hammocks
everyone lying to you about being fat until you have an argument then it’s the only thing they use against you
dropping literally anything on the floor and being self conscious about people watching you pick them up
sitting in the front of class because literally everyone will be looking at you
standing around skinny girls
someone telling you “nothing tastes as good as being thin feels”
being caught eating lunch in the bathroom
if a store would sell their size in clothing

“You should write into one of those shows—Oprah, maybe Ellen. The Doctors. Maybe they could get you surgery.”
my earliest memories of high school were slowly but surely falling behind because of a growing list of absences. i wouldn’t always miss school, a lot of the time my mom would call me out of class. but it wasn’t just to miss school. each time i missed, i was seeing a different surgeon in hopes of removing the skin that hung under my face.

white room. bright light. too bright of a light. chemical smell. the surgeon analyzed my face, painfully squeezing on my skin as if i felt nothing. he sucked in a long breath, before looking from my mother to me, crossing his arms in almost disgust. I don’t even know where I’d start with your procedure. He almost laughed, as if my self hatred was remotely funny or amusing. sobbing from the gut, inside my moms car as we left the hospital, feeling hopeless. dread. feeling absolutely locked into this body i hated.

alas, my dreams became reality. on july 21st, 2011, i endured an 8 hour operation of maxillofacial surgery. 100 staples along the bottom of my hairline. wrapped around the curves of my ears. stitches under my bottom lip, inside my mouth. an uncomfortable bandage wrapped from under my chin and secured on the top of my head. i won. the trauma is over. i am just like everyone else.
Anonymous asked you: I’d wipe my ass with you but you’re rather large and whales belong in the ocean anyways

Anonymous asked you: Do you eat your feelings

Anonymous asked you: I’d buy you some shake weights, but I don’t have whatever the price is times one hundred. :/

Anonymous asked you: Does your mother know you’re fat?

Anonymous asked you: Attention whore. Go eat some McDonalds.

Anonymous asked you: How do you even fit in clothes

Anonymous asked you: How does one acquire such luscious fat rolls as you have?

Anonymous asked you: Kelsey Whaley

Anonymous asked you: FATASS

Anonymous asked you: You’re not ‘perfectly imperfect.’ I actually think you’re rather fat.
“Arrogant girl, love yourself so no-one has to.”
Anonymous asked you: “that quote by alex gaskarth is nice but if he ever knew you were on of the fans that speech was directed to im sure he would have taken it back in a second lol fucking fat bitch.”

Anonymous asked you: “stop sending yourself hate just so you can have attention.”

Anonymous asked you: “please kill urself”

Anonymous asked you: “did you kill yourself yet?”

Anonymous asked you: “fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat”

Anonymous asked you: “i want to be the reason why scars develop on your arms <3”

Anonymous asked you: “ugly and fat lol u got nothing going 4 u just end it”

Anonymous asked you: “i really fucking hate you and wish you would just fucking kill yourself fat piece of shit”

Anonymous asked you: “im sure you know who this is, and i feel like I’ve asked you enough. please for the love of god kill yourself already”

Anonymous asked you: “you are not thin. stop wearing a dress and tights.”
14

high school is commonly referred to as the best years of your life. my question is, when?

there is no escaping the trauma.

a scalpel to my face was not enough.

i am not camouflaged.

i cannot escape this pain.

through pills,

through razors,

through pretending to be sick to not have to face the same boys who harass me as i walk on the path between schools

i am wanted dead.
14

i have taken enough scars from you. i have laid under a knife, for you.

but that was not enough

you want me to die

and i don’t want to be alive

so i’ll grant you your wish

i’m gone

the silver sharpness breaks skin

i am introduced to terms like “clinical depression”
14

attempt: denied
14

i skip lunch every day to go to the bathroom

i make the third stall down my home

i carve: the world is cruel,

hang in there.

i fail to practice what i preach.
14

my wrists bleed more than before

my body, home to antidepressants

i realized that the sickness in my head is a fucking labyrinth and i am so lost
14

i am met by two security guards in student service center (group therapy)

my book bag is searched

i am taken downstairs, pushed into a tiny, dimly lit room

interrogated by a petite, young, white woman with shoulder length blonde hair

piercing blue eyes

“care to tell me what’s going on, kelsey?”

i push my sleeves up

i cry, i cry, i cry

my mom picks me up from school

we sit in silence as she drives me to the hospital

i am released from the psychiatric emergency room 9 hours later
14

there comes an excruciating pain from waking up after expecting to die

i drop out of school

my mother is absent

my stepfather is drunk

my brother is smoking in the garage

no questions asked
15

i come back to school halfway through my junior year

i scurry away to the bathroom for lunch before the crowd floods in

i swallow the pills that will get me the high to get through the rest of the day

2:10 becomes a magical time
15

the wounds get deeper and more frequent

how am i still alive
15

the thought of food repulses me to the point of throwing up

even if i have an empty stomach
15

waking up every day is a war

i don’t want to keep doing this

and every breath is a brick to my lungs

filled with smoke
16

i am losing this war

my arms are a battlefield

half way through

this year is unbearable

time to retreat

i drop out
suddenly, the social butterfly swallowed herself back into a cocoon
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

finding_my_way_out_of_the_labryinth
if you’re wondering how my high school experience ended, well, it ended.

i ended up going back my senior year of high school and fought for my diploma

really, my only concern was to get out of there as fast as possible.

i signed away contract after contract

not able to walk but able to fly away from here

just get the work done and it’s over
i go a year without my diploma until a whole other war erupted

it took me four years to get issued a diploma with the correct year stamped across it

but god, it feels so good to close that chapter

that pain i faced, was real

the wars i faced, were real

i will not allow you to fail me as a student again

you will not discredit my strength
why didn’t i or other fat girls growing up have someone to look up to? someone that they could look at and say, hey! she looks like me! and people like her! so i like me! yay! skinny girls got to admire literally anyone in media, their Barbie dolls (though horrifically disfigured, i might add)

but still. why didn’t anyone care about us?
to be fat does not equate to be unhealthy.

you can be unhealthy and skinny, can’t you?
it’s time to grow, Don’t let these people hide the Yellow that is within you

Throw wood in the fire within you

You are safe
dear past me ,

you deserve a love that’s as big as your waist

do not settle for anything less than that

you deserve more than you allow yourself to experience

you are worthy

you are strong

you are a masterpiece

you are enough

remember this always

I love you,

Future You
i was offered an opportunity to participate in a photoshoot for a company called Plus Size Magic

excitedly, i told my boyfriend this news

he had a huge grin on his face, a twinkle in his eyes,

“Wow. I always knew I was dating a model.”
Don’t fetishize me. I am not your kink. I am not your phobia.

What I am is fat. I am a big, beautiful woman.
and beyond that, i am so much more than my weight